My Anxiety Brain: Socially Inept

My brain got spinning after a discussion with my family the other day. My sister was telling us how much she missed having friends since her situation in life has changed so much. She’s got a great career working for herself, she’s got an awesome husband, three kids, a house they’re remodeling into a veritable sanctuary, and she regularly trains for marathons. On paper she’s Wonder Woman. I don’t even know how she has time for all of that.

Even though she’s amazing, she has things she still needs and one of those is friends. And not just play date and neighbor friends. Those are people you socialize with but not necessarily confide in or trust when the crap hits the fan. She’s talking the high school friends. The ones you talked to until 2AM. The ones that knew your crushes before your own mother did. The down and dirty, call whenever you need to just vent or take a break type of friends.

My brother’s solution was simple. Make new ones. We argued that it simply wasn’t that easy. He says it is. What do you think?

Is it really that easy to make friends? As simple as going to the playground and asking the kid on the swings next to you if they want to play tag?

I don’t know if it ever was that easy for me but I do remember having friends when I was little. I had great high school friends. Even while working I found some kindred spirits that I keep in touch with to this day. But actually going out and deliberately making friends sounds terrifying. How do you do it?

My anxiety is closely linked to what I perceive others to be thinking and feeling about me. I am a classic people pleaser. I will ask you what kind of music you enjoy, and I’ll like it too. I’ll wear the same type of shoes, go shopping at your stores and try the food you love. Just say you’ll like me and I’ll pant after your approval forever more. Like the puppy you can’t get rid of.

But that’s only with the people I have to socialize with. If given the choice, I’ll avoid human contact when at all possible. Case in point, there was a person going around our neighborhood last night while I was doing yard work. Rather than risk having to talk to them I booked it for the garage where I couldn’t hear the doorbell ring. At our old house I was ecstatic when my husband installed a smart doorbell because then I could see exactly who was at my door. If it wasn’t a person I had to talk to I didn’t open it. Even if it was a neighbor and I knew them! I know I should be introducing myself to my new neighbors, but I get so sweaty and panicked just thinking about the possibility that I can’t. What will they think about me?

What will end up happening is exactly what I fear the most. That is that people will get an impression of me that I don’t like and then won’t like me. And even though I have no control over that anyway, since no one can control how you feel about a person, by being so anti-social I almost guarantee my failure on being liked by anyone.

What a confusing, convoluted, web.

So here’s the question of the day. How do you make friends without obsessing over every detail in making people like you? How do you not have your brain go into overdrive and think about the clothes you need to wear, the makeup you should do, the hair style that will be trendy but not too obvious, the perfume that will make you seem confident but not old….. etc. Is there any possible way? Or do you just have to let it obsess and somehow come out on top of it?

I am extremely curious.